I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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