Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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