Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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