Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
