just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
