the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
