shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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