Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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