....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize