Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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