I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
