um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
