look no pants
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
