Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize
