True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
