Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it because I queefed?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We had to coat check the pizza.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Randomize
