I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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