went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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