we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
