the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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