He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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