I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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