i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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