when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
