I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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