Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
