Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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