...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
