She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
