Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
