so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
