You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
