my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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