Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
