if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize