A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
