hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
