So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
