i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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