Apparently you make a good broom.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize