If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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