I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i out mim tonsoeep
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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