when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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