The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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