I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
