Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
