3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
