I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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