I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
