I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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