so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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