R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
