Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You need a sexual gate keeper
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
