woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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