I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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