if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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