You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i dont even know how to be here
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
