omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
