He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize