just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
