Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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