that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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