Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im drinking this country out of the recession.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
