I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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