he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
